{ everything }

i'm a lover without a lover.

i'm lovely and lonely.

i belong deeply to myself.

{ warsan shire }

i drink my water ice-cold, as cold as possible. i prefer shirts without buttons. i like a good fizzy cherry coke from the fountain at the movie theater once a month. for me, 3-4 inches is the perfect heel height.

i resent when people don't understand me, and i resent it more when people think they know me better than they actually do.

i'm quick and deft and brutal but i'm also slow --- the slowest person on earth, probably. i'm slow to feel but when i do, i feel everything until the end of time and beyond. it scares me and it scares other people even more.

i throw myself at the world in such a way that people see what they think is everything. but there's so much you don't see. nobody understands --- what they see is deflection. all else that they don't see, is everything.

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i sit here on my knees

and i try to beg you please

'cause you're everything i think i need

here on the ground

you're neither friend nor foe

and i can't seem to let you go

but if there's one thing that i still know

it's that you're keeping me down. . .

{ sara bareilles }

almost every time i open my mouth to sing, a fragment of this song comes out.
i'll carry those years with me for the rest of my life.

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the world looks kindly on those who can promote themselves. those who will take extreme measures to pursue their dreams. those who are fearless. what about those of us full of self-doubt, methodical and calculating, hesitant and lacking confidence? i am not brave; i am halting. i am not brash; i am often silent in crowds (and it never fails to draw attention/confound people). i am not a risk-taker. i am not a pioneer. i am a slow and stumbling girl moving tentatively toward a quiet and elusive purpose.

but i am moving forward in my own way. it may not be flashy and marketable. it may not even be memorable. to the average person it looks like i'm not moving at all.

i don't care. my pace isn't up to anyone but me. i am working on not feeling inferior to those who are coursing headlong through the veins of the world while i cling to the wall, measuring velocities and likelihoods.

defy the old dragon;

defy fear.

the world may rage and quake,

but i shall remain singing

in perfect peace.

{ johann franck }