{ the unexpected becoming }

alors, quelques choses. pour vous, un peu, peut-être, mais aussi pour moi-même.

en verité, seulement pour moi-même.

(je suis desolée, mais je ne suis pas desolée.)

held belief: introverts aren't good with people.
evident truth: i am good with people.

i've been coming to the slow (very slow) realization that i am good (very good) at my job, which in large part involves reading, assuaging, and managing people. i can be quite direct and coercive when the occasion calls for timely and effective results (just ask my coworkers: when they hear my heels coming toward their operatory, they know it's time to get to it). but i've been continually surprised by how much more efficiently people function under straightforward direction, and how many people actually welcome being told what to do, how, and when. as a (particularly) autonomous individual, the thought of being handled in such a manner is dreadful. but as i've been unofficially pushed (as in, no one knows what the hell to do and is standing around and we're running behind so i storm into the confusion and say things like, will you take this to sterilization? and help her turn over this room, please and his case is in the lab, second shelf and let's go, okay, we good here?) into a position of leadership at work over the past six months, i've had to stop projecting my distaste for being closely managed onto others and overcome my fear of being explicitly directive (because no one likes a bossy person, and a bossy girl in lipstick and heels is even worse)(because over anything else, a girl should endeavor to be liked)(yeah, loooooots of held beliefs being smashed to pieces by evident truths over here lately, it's been fun, reeeeeeaal fun).

however, the results speak for themselves: the office runs like a machine. our outstanding AR is down to almost half of what it was two months ago. we're utilizing all the additional space in our new office. each person is held accountable to give their best on the behalf of their coworkers and our patients, and i'm the one exhorting them to do so. i am the momentum and the unifying force. without me, things would falter.

i don't even know if that's something i'm proud of. it would be nice to share some of the responsibility with, i don't know, ONE other person. on the other hand, perhaps i find myself in this position because i'm singularly equipped to fill it...which is weird for me to think about. i've never truly considered myself a leader because i've always felt so separate from most of humanity --- not accepted by people, not understood by them, and therefore incapable of motivating them or commanding any sort of compliance from them. moreover, i don't see myself as lovable, and in my mind, you have to love and respect someone to want to follow them. so i can't explain what's happening, but people are responding to me. they respect an authority i've never been officially given. furthermore, they appear to not only be willing to do as i say, but it seems they also want to please me. it's confounding. i've become something i never meant to become.

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held belief: i am horrible at change.
evident truth: i evolve. i adapt. i rise to challenge and surmount it.
evolved belief: i have a strong aversion to change, but that doesn't mean i'm incapable of it.

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i had dinner with a friend last night. we sipped margaritas as big as our heads, consumed what i'm sure was more than a recommended daily amount of carbs, and didn't judge ourselves or each other. i've been having some health symptoms, minor but troublesome, and we're close-but-not-close enough that i felt comfortable sharing them with her because (contrarily) i trust no one and i don't want to frighten anyone i do trust. i heard myself saying, see, with anyone else it's different, because they have husbands or children who would truly suffer if something happened to them. i'm not saying people wouldn't be sad if something happened to me, but i don't have anyone whose life would be that profoundly altered. for me, it's just me.

she said, no. it's important. you need to take care of yourself. who's going to take care of you, but you? 

sometimes i think i must lead the loneliest life of anyone i know. there are people in the world who love me, but at the end of the day when i speak my fears to the darkness, there's no one listening but me. so my life is lonely but it's also full of power. it's up to me to perceive and articulate my anxieties, to myself or to others. and it's up to me to seek out constructive ways to alleviate the pressures i feel. others can have input, but when it comes down to it, i can't say to a partner i did this for you, i sacrificed for you. i'm solely responsible. the choices are mine. there's no one in this bed, but me.

for now, i am okay with that. i even embrace it.
but that's another evolution to unravel on another afternoon.