{ on the merits of adulthood }

because finding oneself in the undeniably fascinating, yet distinctly repulsive social milieu of a car dealership lobby on a day off deserves mentioning. or forking over a week's pay to repair a cracked belt or some other such nefarious plastic part underneath the hood of one's vehicle. or making an appointment not three days later at the tire place, because as long as we're dumping cash into a great (no longer) clanking beast that carries us wherever we wish to go whenever we wish to go there (save for work lately, which is a place we do not wish to go, but must go whenever we do not wish to go), we might as well, well, keep dumping.

the eloquence emanates from me.
does it not?

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for as gratifying as it is to have seven people per day exclaim, you look like you've lost weight!, my twisted mind responds silently and ferociously,

why the hell are you looking at my body? and,
was i really so fat before?

i won't put up noble self-enlightened pretenses and deny the fact that the pursuit of a healthier lifestyle is in some ways fueled by the yearning for a smaller number in size, and, yes, even the shameful burning desire for a thigh gap. i can readily admit this because no matter how mature and emotionally healthy you are, it's an innate part of being alive to want to look good --- to want people to notice --- to look good enough that people will notice it out loud, to your face.

so why does a part of me get angry when they do?

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the need for coffee is back,
in full force.

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i worry about a lot of things --- that my legs are too muscular, that i'm spending too much money on handbags, that i have cancer. that i am disappointing to my family and friends. that i am meant to be alone.

the problem with being a worrisome person is that i'm never quite still inside. the gratification of being a worrisome person is that my preoccupation with wanting things to go well more often than not means that things do, in fact, go well. i know that i harbor worry about many things that never come to pass. but being a person who anticipates these things also means many of them never come to pass. do you see what i mean?

my world rotates carefully
and deliberately. but
behind the smooth orbit
the axis trembles
and burns.