{ lessons }

most people don't look very closely at all.

//

i just had a conversation with a co-worker because i had to let her know that i'd been trying too hard to protect her. after a frustrating situation yesterday in which she was once again treated unfairly and i found myself extremely upset after having made every effort to shield her, i finally realised something: it's not up to me to come to the rescue of a grown woman who repeatedly puts herself in unfavorable situations.

to back up, i'm not even sure i've learned this lesson; it feels more like i've learned that protecting someone who will never protect herself is a waste of my energy. in my opinion, putting it that way paints me in a stingy light, but after years of investing in this particular person and zero progress on her part in standing up for herself, i think it's safe to say everything i've done has come to no fruition and i can/should stop pouring myself into it.

surprisingly, after i told her she simply said, "yeah, i think that would be better for you. you won't be so stressed out." i thought she'd say something more like, "no, i need you to be a friend to me in that way," but she didn't. she let me let go of her, seemingly without difficulty. it was both hurtful and liberating.

what i don't think she understands is that my withdrawal of protection also means withdrawal of sympathies if and when she continues to be trampled by other people at work; perhaps being let go of won't feel so easy to her then. or maybe it will --- the point of all this is that it's not my concern.

//

live and letting live would be a flowery, altruistic pursuit if there wasn't such a strong element of self-protection wrapped up in it for me; yeah, i'm letting her go and letting her fend for herself in the name of relinquishing my need for control --- how noble of me. but i'm also taking some huge steps back because to see someone squander my investment in her so consistently feels like a slap in the face.

i don't invest in a lot of people. i don't have the inner resources to do that. so when one of the few people i've chosen to engage with doesn't seem to realize it (and then when she accepts my retraction of investment so readily), it's painful.

with regard to how this affects my work situation, i've (re)learned the unfortunate but inevitable lesson: i can only depend fully on myself. this co-worker has been helping me with some of my duties for the past few weeks, but there's been continued tension as she'll drop anything she's doing for me in order to rush to the aid of more....um, abusive people we work with. i've become too comfortable thinking i'll always have a backup when the truth is, i am not her priority. apparently i'm not tyrannical enough to warrant her loyalty.

so it's been a nice few weeks relaxing a little and letting someone else help me with the slack, but i'm confronted with the stark reality that i can't relax anymore. i am responsible for covering every imaginable circumstance and i can't assume there will ever be assistance on hand. this isn't great for my control issues, but i don't know how to counteract a tendency that's perpetually reinforced. i kill myself controlling things and the practice hums like a well-oiled machine. i let go of controlling everything, and things go to shit. so what the hell am i supposed to do?

//

it's strange to think of letting go, detaching, distancing, as worthy, healthy efforts. it feels mean. but right now it's not only healthy, it's necessary. since deciding (after a long conversation with myself last night) to let go, i feel lighter and less anxious. i'm not anticipating the next disappointment --- i'm focused on doing the best i possibly can instead of wondering if someone else is going to abandon me, how, and when.

//

if you looked for me, you'd find me everywhere:
standing firmly on the earth,
cradled in every molecule of air,
billowed across the sky like storm and cloud.