{ time out }

today was a distinctly good day. it started with a full hour of daydreaming in the cool morning air, watching shadows play on the ceiling. from there it went to clean hair (a rarity these days) to coffee to a kick-ass salad and the smell of towels fresh from the dryer. i wrote letters this afternoon, watched a movie on tv, let the knots of the week loosen and unravel. and tonight i turned out all the lights, lit my favorite blood orange candle, and practiced yoga in the dark to the soundtrack of my own breath. sometimes i need that - to turn everything off but the sensation of being in my own body. it reduces everything to the simplest form for me, streamlines my mind. it helps me to get grounded and calls me to rise higher, both.

//

that being said, and although i often wax eloquently about it, yoga isn't easy for me. i'm not a naturally willowy zenlike bendy person. i'm solid and athletic and compact. i often yearn for the slender limbs of my instructor, since it seems like being less muscular would make many of the poses easier to achieve. but i guess that's the point --- yoga isn't about achievement, which is why it's something i want to keep doing. it's something i can continually strive to do better, but it's not something anyone can really master in the sense of arriving at a point where she doesn't need to try at or do it anymore.

i think maybe there aren't a lot of things like that in the world.

//

[everything after this point is stream of consciousness that is probably more suitable for a personal journal nobody else would ever see...it's not well written but it contains some thoughts and questions that are vital to me right now. if you keep reading, no judgment on writing or style or syntax allowed.]

articulating and maintaining boundaries with people is something i'm working on right now. the need i have to please everyone has shrunk considerably over the past several years, but it's still something i have to constantly manage. keeping a healthy distance from the people i love is a complicated thing for several reasons; one, it feels like something i shouldn't have or want to do. two, i think a common understanding of love is being so close to someone that boundaries don't exist --- i.e. you can tell someone anything, you can call upon her at any time of day or night, and maybe most of all, you can expect that she will drop anything and deny her own needs for your sake. funny, isn't it, that the concept of "selfless" love often means a selfishness on the taking side, with an expectation that the other is the one giving all? and then the giver is in a position to feel guilty if she chooses not to give up on herself in order to give all to another.

i'm not talking about anything new here, of course - but the concept of self and love is tricky terrain for me. i am a high introvert with specific needs for solitude and distance and safe borders, but (for reasons i won't go into now) my fear of abandonment often leads me to disregard those needs in favor of proving my indispensability to others. i've been doing this for the majority of my life and have had to dispossess people of the expectation that i will completely ignore my own needs to meet theirs. it is exhausting, requires vigilance, and is often met with resistance and incredulity. i can hardly blame people - they've become accustomed to my habitual accommodation. building healthy walls after years of letting everyone blast through them to the very heart of me is one of my most important endeavors right now. i think in theory people support me caring for myself, but when that means they don't get as immediate or as big a cut of me as they were looking for, they don't like it as much.

this has made for a handful of uncomfortable conversations lately. in the rougher moments i wonder if the stress involved on my part is worth it - in many ways it would be easier to submit to momentum and just keep behaving the way i always have, making everyone else happy. but when i'm able to persevere through the discomfort and move beyond it, i feel nothing but an undeniable resounding rightness. the problem with setting my boundaries according to what will keep everyone else happy is that i often suffer, and greatly, as a result.

i am not a wildly popular person, but the people who depend on me, really depend on me. i feel the weight of so many expectations and the pressure to perform/entertain/support at a high level - and if i haven't gotten enough sleep or had enough time to myself or a dozen other things that contribute to my ability to function well, i will find a way to show up for everyone else and in doing so, bail on myself. i have to stop doing this. backing the hell up and finding balance means frustrating people and receiving backlash ("why didn't you respond to my email/text message in less time?" "when are we ever going to hang out again?" "why are you pulling away? let me be there for you", to name a few). because the answers to those questions go something like this:

i work a high-demand, fast-paced, socially demanding job that takes all my energy
i know i was instantaneously available before, but that took a toll and i can't do it anymore
i need time
i need space
this doesn't mean i don't care for and love you
i don't know when i will be ready to see you again
you can be here for me by staying where you are for the time being

people do. not. like this.
i don't know what i can do about it.
well, nothing.
unfortunately everyone is going to have to deal with it until i've had some time to recover and figure out what is best for me.
i think it's hard for people to understand that as an INTJ and an aquarius and as the person i am, the more space i am given, the more quickly i will feel ready to let them in. we all (myself included) want to grasp and squeeze the things we love in constant close proximity for fear we we will lose them. but i should know as surely as i know my own soul that holding on too tightly only smothers the thing...potentially to death.

so what can i let go?
what am i holding too tightly that could find its true beauty if i loosened my grip?
what weight could be lifted if i opened my hands?
what wisdom or truth could alight on my hands, if i opened them?
what could be different/better about me if the space i need felt more protected and respected?