{ hour 3 of 12 }

this day isn't going nearly fast enough.

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i keep taking a step back, hoping to disprove this unfortunate learned truth: if you don't do it, no one will. or, if you don't do it, it won't be done well. thing is, every time i step back, things fail or they never happen. this is true in my work life and my personal life. i keep asking myself, "did you actually MAKE it this way by always doing everything and doing it (near) perfectly?" like, is it my own fault somehow because i've compensated for every perceivable shortcoming in the universe and enabled everyone to sit back and expect me to step in and achieve?

what came first, the chicken or the egg?

//

it goes without saying, but this phenomenon is much more satisfying at work because there's no personal loss involved most of the time. i step back, things crash and burn, i observe the wreckage with the knowledge that had i engaged, everything would've soared to unbelievable heights.

but when it happens in my personal life, it feels nothing short of disastrous. in my world, not hearing from someone doesn't mean that person doesn't want to hear from me (most of the time). no, it normally means that if i put forth the effort to be in touch and keep communication going and initiate, everything is dandy and seems reciprocal. but if i stop for any length of time or for any reason, silence.

(to be fair, this isn't 100% true 100% of the time. there are a few people in my life who have continued to pursue me when i've pulled away for whatever reason. this might be the single most loving thing someone could do for me.)

i think for some, just having the interaction with someone would be enough "reward" to do all the initiating. for me in particular, reciprocity is so important. so as much as it's unpleasant to lose someone if he/she never (ever) initiates or responds, it's a loss i have to take if i have to do 200% of the work to maintain any contact at all.

//

finally - if one more adult person asks me if they can go to the bathroom today, i am going to fucking LOSE IT.