{ hard truths }

i'm angry because it feels like i was allowed four days to "have a problem" during which people i've supported and listened to for years gave me some support and sympathy. and now that a week has passed, everyone has resumed placing their emotional burdens in my lap and expecting me to make them feel better. it feels like i was extended a token period of time to be a mess and now after a whole week of "letting" me be the one who could use help, their needs have been piling up waiting for me to be available for use, so, back to work on everyone else's shit. this fucking pisses me off.

i'm not saying you have to support me for the rest of my life on this....but wait, maybe i am! why do i need to put an end date on my needs? i am expected to be available and ready for harvest whenever someone has an issue that needs navigating, until further notice. i do not butt in on their process with my own needs after a matter of days.

i'm starting to realize that i'm way too polite. i allow too much. i twist myself up so everyone else can remain comfortable. for so long this has felt like a noble thing because it is self-sacrificial. because being selfless is honorable and kind. but if i sacrifice myself until there is nothing left, there will be nothing left for anyone else. moreover, there will be nothing left for ME.

i can't even type anymore. i open myself and all that comes out is mess.