1.) i was being silly in the first place, or
2.) because my own inner landscape has shaped my behavior in such a way that i don't allow myself to venture into certain places, thus preventing the foreseen ghost-event.
i must fight for myself.
for the good things in my life,
for my wholesome memories.
for the rare good thoughts i have of myself, for the rare faith i have in myself to keep things together. why are we so rough with ourselves? why is it so difficult to look in the mirror and see the beauty first?
i do my best to hold onto things with the right balance of doubt and belief; believe too hard and i've been naive. doubt too readily and i've ruined it for myself. some days it seems like a thin line to walk, my life falling away in sheer cliffs to either side.
when you wake up
and the day feels
broken
just lean into the crack
and it will tremble ever so nicely
notice
how it sparkles
down there
{bjork}
i'm leaning into the jagged edge today. sharp doubt is making an impression on my arms, my knees, but i'm holding on. there are glimmering secrets on the edge. i trust myself, but i trust in a strength greater than myself, and that's why i haven't fallen.
now, to appreciate the view.
1 comment:
why do we keep finding this commonality in our moods and writings?
i have often said to myself, using bjork, "if you complain once more, you'll meet an army of me," because i am tired of the doubt, the self-deprecation, the questions.
i wrote something similar last night - saying that perhaps i have lost god. and then i guffawed at the preposterous notion - i could never loose him, he is much too trustworthy and persistent to be so careless. it's the me i don't trust. i could trust him for anything...but he has decided to help me learn to trust myself.
this is the jagged crack that indeed keeps falling away.
here's a cubicle cheers to a soulful life, dear new friend.
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