warning: overload

do you ever feel like everything in your life is converging? like you're heading down an ever-narrowing tunnel toward "has-to-be-done-ness"? i know life is cyclical, and there are always quieter times and fuller times. in the quieter times, i'm craning my neck for more noise, more activity, and in the fuller times i'm closing my eyes and wishing i could be still. never happy. always gazing longingly at the shade of green on the other side. dissatisfaction is the human predicament. we disparage our Now and idealize our Back Then and our Someday.

perhaps i should speak for myself.
(*giggle* the title of this blog makes an appearance!
it was completely coincidental, i promise.)

anyway.

this is where i was saturday night --- one of my favorite places in this city. it's the oldest jazz club in chicago, it's tiny, and you often have to stand and hawk a table when the early jazz crowd leaves between the second and third sets (around 11 p.m.). the booths are upholstered with a muted turquoise velour, the bathroom stalls are impossibly small, and the long islands are staggeringly good. and the music . . . oh, the music! this weekend the Ari Brown quintet was playing: effortless and extended piano solos, one of the best percussionists i've ever seen with bongos painted fire-engine red, and Ari Brown played 2 saxophones at once --- a tenor and a soprano. he also played flute.

you can't help tapping your high-heeled foot, swinging your jet-black hair, and believing you've traveled back in time when you're at the Green Mill. the cool fringe of your earrings trails along your neck. the alcohol loosens up the world, and your vision is filled with cool blues and purples. it's even better if you're there with someone you love. life takes on new meaning.

or maybe that's just the long island talking.
either way, it changes you. trust me.

in other news:
1.) Cafe Iberico Tapas Bar --- when you come visit, we'll go. i'll just eat plates and plates of the garlic potato salad and drink sangria. you can try all the daring dishes like mussels, quail paella, and squid.

2.) i found my debit card. not that you care, but this weekend i realized i'd never transferred it to my new small wallet (i.e. the tiny pouch meant to hold only my most essential cards when i don't want to haul out the big wallet) and thought i'd lost it. i haven't used it in months, so i had no idea where it was. this morning i noticed my last small wallet in the pocket of one of my purses and realized the stupid card wasn't lost after all. i took its pristine, stiff, shiny never-used-ness and slid it into my current small wallet, which is now bulging with the accumulation of a few months of use. apparently i'm incapable of actually using the small wallet for its destined purpose. meant for just my credit card, license, blockbuster card, and grocery preferred card, it's taken on a life of its own. it's funny how acquired extra things can become "necessary." not just in my small wallet, but in my life . . .

3.) overload. annual review this morning at 8 a.m. (i rolled into the parking lot at 7:54 --- this may not be all that early for y'all, but for me, i'm still in hell at that hour). covering at other infusion center all day. go home, change, leave to pick up boyfriend for college ministry thing at 6. come home at 9. try to wind down, wind up b/c it's nighttime, force myself to bed, probably won't be able to settle down until almost midnight. multiply this routine (with a few alterations) by 4, and you have the rest of my week.

next weekend i'll be attending a "women's retreat" for my church . . . and this year i'm leading the worship again . . . if i wasn't doing that, i'm not even sure i'd go. i do NOT like forced estrogenic hangout events, much less entire weekends. (this reminds me, add t-shirt construction to my to-do list.) i agreed to do this because i think it's good for me to make an effort to be around good, healthy women. it's also very challenging for me to plan, lead, play piano, and sing for the sessions. i really don't feel i can complain about my sometimes mind-numbingly boring, unstimulating job if i'm not going to take challenging opportunities when they arise. in other words, i'm trying to be a better person --- and yes, i'm complaining about how much work it is.

whatever you think about my childishness, think of me this week as i'm preparing, nailing down the details, and trying not to freak out. also think of me next weekend as i attempt to "lead" women whose spiritual lives far surpass my own in duration and breadth.

to be humbled is a gift that's difficult to eagerly receive.

FINALLY:
the adorable vinyl pencil case i bought at Borders for my makeup is beginning to peel. i need another makeup bag, but i don't want to buy one. i'm attached to the one i have and in denial of its impending demise. i'm trying to cheer myself up (and encourage the mourning / healing process) by looking for a new small makeup bag on Etsy. i love Amy Butler fabrics, but am looking for anything clean, modern, and colorful. the size of a pencil case suits me just fine, as i'm no cosmetics afficionado. i just need room for some CoverGirl powder, some eyeliner, a few hair elastics, and about 3 tubes of lip gloss.

so i implore you, if you're bored and want to help me shop and/or know any fabulous Etsy shops with beautiful fabrics and reasonably priced items, please share your findings! i'd be forever grateful.

some examples of stuff i like, to give you an idea of what i'm looking for:
tangerine floral
raspberry

TO DO
finalize tshirt design / get printed
finalize planning for 3 sessions
pack
do laundry?
remember to eat
remember not to eat too much
confirm & prep charts for tomorrow
make transparencies / song sheets
fold 31 shirts in disarray around my room
sleep?
be content
breathe in, breathe out
love well
remember; live; dream.