1. { day twenty-eight || everything is golden }, 2. { day twenty-nine, part two || my smallest fan }
4. { day thirty, part one || adventures in color }, 5. { day thirty, part two || geodes & tea }, 6. father's day
well, it's here:
the end of { thirty thankful days }.
i've shared a lot of thoughts about this project already, and most of my realizations are pretty obvious, but despite that, their profundity still strikes me. things like:
i spend mindlessly
i buy things i don't need
i spend money when i'm bored/disappointed/lonely
give way to things like:
i am in control of what, how, and when i spend
i buy stuff i don't really need in an attempt to feel like i'm getting what i really want
spending more deliberately on things i really want makes those things mean even more
lead me to realize things like:
i am both sadder and happier than i realize
acquisition does not equal, or even necessarily lead to, contentment
i stick with what's familiar even if it is counter-productive or even unhealthy
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honesty:
i cheated a little. no one is perfect. so in the interest of full disclosure, things purchased during { thirty thankful days }:
music (2 mp3 albums): $7.99
gifts for birthdays and father's day: $123
2 skirts on super sale while shopping with a visiting friend: $80*
* i agonized over this, feeling like a personal failure for violating my promise not to shop for clothes. in the end, i really wanted them, plain and simple. i decided it was my one free pass...and i've already worn both skirts twice in two weeks. no regrets!
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a few more realizations:
shelling out a little more for dinner and drinks with a friend is much more enjoyable when i don't have an subconscious undercurrent of guilt and anxiety about having spent $70 on three shirts i didn't need a few days earlier. that pair of shoes i thought i couldn't live without, that i couldn't even remember four days into this challenge? yeah. don't need them. in fact, if i can't remember them, i think it's safe to say i don't even want them. and that, my friends, is enlightening. i need so much less than i thought i did.
even realizing in my bones, in real time (and not just in my head when i'm trying to convince my gut that something i know is also something that's ultimately true), that all the fun and pretty things i'd throw my credit card at aren't even things i want? well, it's sobering. but then it's liberating. i can live with so much less than i thought i could.
paying down big expenses, focusing my income on things that really were necessary, is empowering. and even purchasing something bigger that's recreational (hello plane ticket!) is so much more satisfying when i'm not quietly kicking myself for letting $200 fall out of my wallet for a pile of awesome but unnecessary clothes at the outlet mall the week before. my money means something. i can use it for good. and when i use my money thoughtfully, the more that good will register.
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so it's the end, but it's not the end. this project has shown me things i fully expected to find, but even having known these things would be revealed, i am still profoundly affected by them. thanks for following me along this bright and winding road...
she
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